Yesterday was a good day. In fact it was a wonderful day! I was able to spend the day with my oldest son. He is growing up so quickly and when I see him, I am filled with a deep down, soul shaking joy . I’m proud of him. Come October, he will be 18 and an adult by society’s understanding. Yet, he is already a man. I see it in his walk, the way he speaks to others, the way he faces life head on without fear in his eyes. He is strong, confident and my God, is he gifted!
His life has not been easy. I was only 16 when he was born. I remember being so unsure about what motherhood entailed, but I knew I loved him with every fiber of my being. When he turned 5, my life was spinning out of control. I had no healthy support system and living with my mom was hard. We had our own issues to sort through. Our family tree had not given us a fair shake and no one was there to show us a better way.
You see, children don’t come with manuals. We do the best with what we have and the hope is we grow and learn in the process.
I could not have known how one singular moment could alter so many destinies. Looking back, I believe that the Divine used even the pain for a purpose, but my God was it painful. A pain so deep it seared the bones into blackened ash. I must’ve cried an ocean over the years.
Kindergarten was fast approaching and I didn’t want to see my son without stability. I knew what it was like to move schools in the middle of the year. I understood how it felt to make new friends over and over, only to lose them yet again. It was then I decided he should start school with his grandparents. I asked them to keep him for a short time, just until I could get on my feet. They agreed readily. It was the most difficult thing I’d ever done, walking away that day, and the heartbreak would only get worst. I believe it was the following day that I was told they were taking me to court for custody. The pain of loss and betrayal would descend down to the darkest part of my soul.
The odds were stacked against me from the beginning. I was a naive young girl born in the mountains of West Virginia. I had no money, no home and nothing much I could call my own. They had money, power, and status. Walking in the courtroom, I had no idea they were well acquainted with the judge. The decision was made before I even walked in the door. They were awarding custody and full discretion over visitation. The evidence they presented was a singular statement and the voice of my son’s grandfather still reverberates in my mind. “She was seen walking down the streets with an Afro American!”
For years I was not allowed to truly connect with my son. My heart was broken and I spent years trying to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol. The guilt and regret would eat at me like a cancer. I would picture him sitting at the window looking for me, wondering why I had left him behind. I thought he probably felt unloved and unwanted. That made the ache in my heart even more unbearable.
We had the best visit yesterday! I was so happy! We talked, laughed a lot, and worked together outside. The weather was perfect! Having him there beside me was a dream come true.
That is why I was floored by what the day would bring. Upon our return home, we were informed a call had been made to social services. I’ve spent 28 years trying to defend myself and protect my children from the wolves in this “all powerful” regime of government. I can not seem to get away from their greedy paws and insatiable appetites.
I sit here now, with pain so deep I am barely hanging on. Love has always been my gift to the world but right now I am in short supply. Today I had a panic attack. I was folding the clothes on the dryer and as I held up those tiny shirts and pants, a hot knife seared through my soul. Grief and pain seized my heart. I wanted to hold my boys and see their smiles. I wanted to get them up for school and help them with homework. I wanted to talk to them about their day and watch them toss football to one another. I wanted to tell them it would be ok.
Sometimes, I’m not quite sure of that. It hurts so badly and I’ve seen the way this system operates. It is rarely fair. I have complied to no avail. Less than a year ago, I volunteered to keep a service case open. I had received several bogus calls during this time period. I was told this would weed out malicious calls, help me with any resources that may better the future of my family. I was lied to and I bought the lie..hook, line and sinker.
Fast forward 4 days…
Today I am told I must meet with the “powers that be,” but I am well aware those powers don’t seem to be concerned with anymore than pushing their agenda. You must remember we live in a society that operates off greed, self gain, power, and control. We have a prison system that has become a modern day slave system. We have an agency “protecting” our children while tbey break apart homes and profit off of foster care. We have a hate problem, We hate Hispanics, blacks, Jews, Muslims and anyone else we can not understand. If you ask me, we hate ourselves. We murder the innocent and call it choice, while we openly praise sin. I’ve asked God why many times.
Why?.. Because we have free will. The sad truth is we are destroying ourselves from the inside out with drugs, pornography, hate, violence and any other form of debauchery one can dream up.
This is what has become of America, Babylon the Great. I am praying for her and I know there are others. I can only hope these prayers, and these men and women of faith will be enough.
I don’t know what I will decide today? I have been this road before and fear and worry loom like shadows at my doorstep. The voices that say, “You are not good enough,” and “Just give up!” I imagine I’ll find the warrior within, the one who refuses to bend or to compromise the things I hold dear. Only time will tell.
Until then, I’ll keep writing as the tears fall and the darkness beckons. I’ll keep looking for the tiny glimmer of hope out in the distance. Thirty plus years of pain and hardship hasn’t broken me. They can steal everything I love, but I imagine I’ll find the strength to love all the more.
There are things in this life that one must fight for with solid resolve and fearlessness. I may not have the same resources or power that my enemy has wielded against me, but I do have words. I do have this pen and with it I WILL slay giants! Fear will not consume me in the heated moment of battle. It will only fuel me and solidify my cause, because I know i was placed here for such a time as this.
Though my heart is hurting, and my soul is in an ever burning inferno, I am reminded of my oldest son and that beautiful day we shared together just a few days past. Words aren’t always necessary between the two of us. We flow. I watched him that day. I took in every singular detail as if it were my last breath. I watched as he walked with his head high and proud. I saw something inside of him. I saw strength. There was a moment when our eyes met and the sheer resolve that emenated from his soul could’ve stopped an army in its tracks. This boy had the heart of a lion and the fierce tenacity to wrestle a bull to the ground. Life had not made him crumble. Adversity had not made him weak, it had only made him stronger. The wolves would not devour him..he would devour them. We were warriors!
Written by: Tiffany Jackson