There are moments in life we must come face to face with the decisions we have made. When these pivotal moments come, we are left with a choice.We can run, only leaving us to face the music at a later date. We can avoid the truth, and drown our overwhelming emotions in a bottle, pill, or whatever else may fit the bill. We can deny the reality of our choices and prolong the suffering or we can make a difficult, but courageous decision. We can come face to face with who we are and who we’ve been to others. We can embrace the beauty along with the downright ugly and choose to do the work required to rise above.
I recently had a revelation. It came like a punch to the gut! What if every moment of my life was on film for all the world to see? Suddenly all the hateful words I had uttered in the privacy of my home were a lead weight on my chest. I was reminded of the murmering, complaining, and downright spitefulness that I had uttered forth from my lips. There is a passage of scripture that says “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” Oh, how many times I had spoken death!
In that moment I saw clearly. It no longer mattered that I had held my tongue and showed kindness when faced with criticism and harsh words. It mattered what I had spoken in silence. It mattered what was in my heart.
In matters of the heart, I am often times pure and compassionate. In matters of the heart, I am sometimes cruel and hurtful. I have come face to face with the truth of what lies beneath the surface. It is often beautiful, but at times it is humanity at its worst. This realization brimgs deep conviction to my soul. I am fully aware of my many flaws.
In this moment I must make a choice. What will I do with this painstaking truth? Today I choose to face it head on. Today I will examine my heart and soul. I admit it… I am a world of walking contradictions. I am treasure in an earthen vessel, mere mortal holding a spark of divinity, comedy and tragedy at its finest.
As my eyes behold the raw reflection of truth that I see, I am humbled. Yet I will not fall into the deep pit of guilt and despair. I will do the best with what I have in this moment. I will make ammends whenever possible. The further down the list I go, the longer it grows. As soon as my heart is full, I cross paths with a ghost from the past. Once again, I am brought to my knees.
In this lifelong journey, I will inevitably fail again, yet I am no longer beaten down by this truth. I am ok with me and filled with gratitude for these truths which keep me humble. I will not strive for perfection, but strive to apologize quickly, to guard my words and heart ever so carefully.
Most of all I will strive for connectedness with myself and the world around me. I will not shut off my heart, but open it wide. This will at times mean, pain, dissapointment, and heartbreak, but it will also mean love, forgiveness and restoration. Today I am willing to take that risk! May we all be fearless in looking at the raw reflections of ourselves!
Photograph entitled “Deep in Thought”
(Kali Brianna Bruce pictured above)